A beginner's guide to gettin' ladies

I know who you are. You're that guy, sitting there, alone. You're wishing you were gettin' ladies right now. I WILL SHOW YOU HOW.

1) Find a lady. Make sure she is an elegant woman. The kind of classy lady you're trying to get should wear cocktail dresses and gloves at all times. She should cover her mouth when she giggles. If she ever speaks above a whisper, or ever tries to suggest ideas of her own, she is NOT ELEGANT and is probably one of those "feminist" types. Gross.

2) Stare intensely. Classy ladies love nothing more than to be stared at by strange men. It makes them feel thin, and special. If she notices you, and then looks creeped out, fear not. She's simply playing hard-to-get. Stare with greater intensity. If possible, gather a group of friends and stare at her together. She will appreciate the lengths you have gone to make her feel special.

3) Be completely silent. Nothing you say will ever impress ANYONE. Therefore, you should walk up to the woman you are trying to get and say nothing. Continue staring.

4) Do a magic trick. If there's one thing small children and elegant women have in common, it's their love of simple magic tricks. Always have a deck of cards on your person at all times for this purpose. Remember, SAY NOTHING. The combination of magic and silence will make you seem all the more mysterious.

5) Give her orders. Elegant women love to serve men, so they love receiving orders. But remember, don't speak! Simply point at the things you want her to fetch, cook, clean, or use to put on an impromptu puppet show. She'll get the message... and she'll love your take-charge attitude!

6) Tell her you hate her and her whole family. Congratulations, now you can start speaking. Classy ladies love getting insulted. Make sure to point out everything you hate about her, including but not limited to her face, her outfit, her odor, her GPA, and her Dodge Neon.

7) Seal the deal. Now, you strike. Try something simple, like, "So are you gonna do me or what?" If she says no, after all you've done, she's probably secretly a dude!

Now that you know how to get a lady, go out there and make me proud!